Love and Loss
by kjmisme
Summary: Pc:F/Human/Nobel/Eisa has fallen in love with the only other Grey Warden in Ferelden, Alistair. But how will they survive their hardships?


Note: I do not own the rights to any of BioWare's Dragon Age: Origins. Although by now, I think it is safe to assume that most women/men wish they had the rights to Alistair's…*clears throat*…body.

Quick run through: (*Spoilers*) Let's assume you have played the game and it is the night before you go and kill the Archdemon. Your PC is like mine, in that it is a female and has gotten Alastair to…mate…with Morgan. Also, let's assume that you wanted the trophy so your PC also had…woopie…with Alistair but did not break up with him before this. Why? Because I am a girl, and although I love a good elf, Zevran just isn't as funny. (Also, Loghain is an a** and had to be killed in a blood thirsty manner.) Now that you know where to place this, let's begin shall we? Almost forgot, PC is named Eisa and is a human rogue.

Extra note: First time writing a fic so...if you like, hate, or think that some parts are messed up, please tell me. :)

* * *

After talking Alistair into partaking in Morrigan's ritual, Eisa finds herself alone in her room. Morrigan promised that by doing this, neither one of would die. It is only after Morrigan and Alistair leave her room that she second guesses her decision. Riordan explained that either she or Alistair had to take the killing blow, thus ending one of their lives. Her heart shattered into a thousand pieces at the thought. Alistair had to survive this; he was going to be king. It was then that she wished she had let Loghain join the Grey Wardens. So what if history would have painted him as a hero? She would have known the truth. So what if it would have meant that Alistair no longer wished to see her anymore? He would have been safe. He would survive. When Morrigan said she could save them both without having too many negative side effects, Eisa took it.

Eisa slowly takes off her armor as she continues to let past mistakes consume her.

If she would have ignored Duncan, she would not have meet Alistair. If Loghain had not betrayed King Cailan, Duncan would be here in her stead. Alastair would be free of his burden, and she would never have known what love could feel like. The joys and pains of friendship with Wynne, Leliana, and Zevran, the strange drunken dwarf that is Oghren, the heart of a true warrior in Sten and Shale, without them, she would not have grown. She would still be just a noble's daughter, who could only play a warrior with her guards. Practicing day and night to never need her skills in her life as a Cousland.

"And my life would have been a hollow one," Eisa whispers to herself.

Eisa picks up the white night gown that was placed on her bed by one of the servants. It has a low V cut in the front, with sleeves that are taught along her upper arms and flare out past her elbows. The simple dress hugs every curve on her body and sweeps out past her hips, just barely touching the floor. Normally, she would be naked as she slept, with Alistair snuggling in behind her and Brutus, her mabari, asleep in her arms. It was always there, in between them both, that she felt safest; even when they did have their snoring competitions. With both of them protecting her, nothing else mattered. Would they both still accept her after this?

There is a large thud at the room's door. Acting on reflex, Eisa grabs her knives and quietly makes her way to the door. When she is standing just arm's reach of the door, there comes a whining sound that Eisa knows too well. Opening the door she sees Brutus sitting down with one paw raised in the air ready to scratch if he has to.

Smiling down at her oldest friend, "Come on in," Eisa says as she moves aside for Brutus to enter.

Happily, Brutus jumps up and rushes into the room. In one jump he is on the bed walking in circles to find that perfect spot. Eisa closes the door and laughs to herself about the habits of her mabari. Slowly she too makes her way to bed, just as Brutus finds the perfect spot.

Eisa turns down the covers and slides into bed. She has a mental image of the child that is being conceived this night. She can see the child having Morrigan's hair and eyes while looking just like Alistair. It would have his personality as well. That would annoy Morrigan to the verge of almost killing the child. These thoughts please Eisa and allowed her to sleep in peace. For once her dreams were not filled with regret or vengeance, just ones of pure happiness. Then, the pain starts.

There is a pain low in her abdomen that feels like a knife should be embedded in her. As Eisa violently comes awake, she grabs at her stomach. There is no dagger in her, just a massive pain. As the pain recedes for a moment, she realizes that her legs feel wet. Quickly she removes the sheets off her. Blood, there is blood, so much blood. Brutus came awake when Eisa covered him in sheets. Breaking free of his sheet prison, he looks questionably up at Eisa.

"What's happening to me?" Eisa asks in a panic stricken voice.

Out of the corner of her eye, she notices Morrigan standing in her door way. "I am sorry," was all that is said as she melts into the blackness.

"Sorry for what? What have you done to me?!" Eisa yells out to Morrigan.

No reply came back, just the stabbing pain. The pain is so strong that Eisa falls out of bed onto the hard stone floor. She is barely able to brace against the fall, landing on her hands and knees. _What is happening? _Eisaasks herself over and over again.

Brutus jumps down from the bed to sit in front of Eisa. He has a look of concern on his face.

Through the pain Eisa manages to strain out, "Go, get Wynne."

Brutus runs for the door only to find it closed. He wines and scratches at it. Eisa painfully crawls to the door to open it. "Get Wynne," she tells him again.

As Brutus follows orders, Eisa just lays on the cold floor grabbing her stomach as the pain floods through her again and again and again. Forever it feels like, until she hears Brutus' claws scrapping the stone floor followed by soft foot falls.

"Why must you drag me from my bed at this hour?" Eisa hears Wynne complain to Brutus.

"Wynne," comes a soft plea from Eisa's lips.

As Wynne comes into view of Eisa, she let out a gasp and runs to her friend. "What is wrong?"

"I, I don't," another wave of pain hits as Eisa tries to tell Wynne. "Pain…blood."

"Come, let's get you back in bed," Wynne says as she gestures for Brutus to help.

Before Wynne and Brutus are able to get Eisa into bed, she notes the large puddle of blood on the bed as well as the streak that stretches from the bed to the door.

"I need to take off your gown Eisa. I need to examine were this blood is coming from," Wynne says in a calm and stern voice once Eisa is in her bed.

All Eisa can do is nod.

_It's a good thing that Eisa refuses to sleep in the dark when she was not at camp. With all the candles lit this will be much easier. Thank the Maker for small favor s._ Immediately Wynne notices the reason for Eisa's problems once her gown is off.

"When did you first lay with Alistair?" Wynne asks in a soothing voice.

"I, uh, three months," Eisa manages.

"Was he your first?"

"Ye, Yes."

Wynne takes in a deep breath, "Do you wish for the good news or the bad?"

Eisa gives her a pain enriched confused look.

"You," Wynne starts, "were carrying his child."

Confusion is plain on Eisa's face, "Were, not am?"

"I believe, that by having two parents that are tainted with darkspawn blood, caused the child to leave you and rejoin the Maker," Wynne explains holding Eisa's hand.

Eisa gazes into her friend's eyes wanting not to believe it. Shamefully, Eisa takes her hand back and rolls onto her side as she cries over the life that is leaving her. She could never give Alistair a son or daughter. She can never know what it feels like to carry his child to term. To see if the child has his eyes or hers. To teach the child all she knows. To teach it how to read, write, or hear its first words being mother or father. Never would she have these things with him.

"Come, Eisa. Let us go and clean all this blood off you." Wynne's voice came with a sadness to it that could not match Eisa's greif. But, she did agree to take the bath even if it only distracted her form herself for a while.

* * *

Alistair slowly wakes up to find that he is not snuggling up with Eisa as he should be. The bed feels quite cold actually. He can't really remember why he is sleeping alone. Then it all comes flooding back. Eisa asked him to impregnate Morrigan so that both of them would make it through slaying the Archdemon. She knew he had no intention of letting her take the final blow if it meant that she would die. That was why he agreed to it. They both wanted the other to survive. He also wanted to make things right with Eisa. He wanted to marry her and have as many children as they could together. He knew that the latter was not very possible. They were both tainted and there had never been a child born to two Grey Wardens, that he knew of. Still, it didn't deter him from wanting it.

Not wanting to stay in the tainted bed any longer, Alistair gets up and dresses. Once he has clothes on he makes his way to where Eisa is sleeping.

He notices that the door is open. Looking into the room, he sees blood, lots of blood. There is blood on the floor and on the bed. In a panic he runs to the bed to make sure she is okay.

"Eisa," Alistair calls out, but there is no one in the bed to answer back. He sees her daggers on the floor next to her gown. All bloodied.

In a fit of rage he runs to where Zevran is sleeping and throws open the door.

"Why did you do it?!" Alistair demands. "She spared you and you still killed her after all we've been through!"

"I don't know what you are talking about," Zevran replied in a breathy manner, "but if you could excuse me I am kind of busy here."

It was then that Alistair notices that Zevran is not alone. Leliana is on top of Zevran giving and giving Alistair a death stair.

"I don't know what you are referring to, but Zevran has been with me the whole time." Lillian says in a manner that is not befitting a Sister of the Chantry.

Dumbfounded by the whole Leliana-Zevran thing, all he can do is stand and stare at them.

"You heard the woman. I have been in her arms all night," Zevran says with a smile to Lillian.

"Then where is Eisa?" Alistair mutters.

"I do not know." "Last I saw of her, she was on her way to bed with you," both Zevran and Lillian say in slight unison.

"I'll, leave, you two, alone," Alistair musters as he backes out and shuts the door.

He can hear both of them giggling to one another as he leaves to find Eisa.

"Your Majesty?" one of the night guards spoke. "I believe Eisa is in Ms. Wynne's room."

"Is she hurt?" Alistair demandes.

"I do not think so. She just looked tired."

Alistair runs to where the guard said Eisa is. He is panicked and out of breath when he knocks on the door.

"Enter," came Wynne's voice.

Alistair enters slowly not wanting to make any kind of sudden movement.

"She is here," Wynne's voice spoke without being given a question. "But she is asleep now."

"Why is she here and not in her bed. Why is her room so bloody to begin with?" he blurts out.

Wynne looks back to her bed where Eisa lays asleep with Brutus tucked under her arms, "I think she should tell you, not I."

Alistair walks over to where the sleeping Eisa lies and strokes her cheeks, moving a stray red strand of hair away from her angel face. He starts to smile thinking that his previous actions were out of line. He would make it up to Zevran and Leliana tomorrow.

"You should let her sleep while she can. We have big days ahead of us," Wynne advises while taking Alistair's arm and moving him away from Eisa.

"Yeah," is all Alistair can manage.

* * *

Eisa had not even looked at Alistair all day. She kept quiet and to herself, only taking comfort in stroking Brutus' head every now and again. When he would try to talk to her, she would ignore his presence. It was so out of character for her. The only time she had acted like this was when Duncan had first brought her to Ostagar. She was taught to deal with things by hiding behind a smiling mask. It was when her emotions boiled over too far that she could not hide anymore and frown. Just like she was now. He was through with her not talking to him!

Eisa is standing by the fire when Alistair walks up behind her and embraces her. Wrapping himself completely around her.

Eisa gives out a gasp of pain as Alistair places his hands on her abdomen. Immediately he released her and spun her around to face him. Only, she does not look up at him, she keeps her head down and looks at the armor he is wearing.

"What is with you? You don't speak to me all day and when I touch you, you act like it pains you," Alistair almost yells at her.

Not able to bare it anymore, Eisa starts to cry. She covers her face with her hands a sobs for all that she has lost and my never have.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. It's just that," Alistair blurts out trying to calm her.

"It's not you," Eisa starts to say, "Well, in a way it's not you and in another it is."

"I don't understand."

Eisa looks up into the eyes of the one man she has ever loved and tries as hard as she can to stop crying. "I'll explain after we kill the Archdemon I promise. Just, let me…"

"Take your time," Alistair comforts her while placing his chin on her head. "Just promise that you will tell me okay?"

"Yes."

"Now, who do you wish to take with you into the city?" Riordan asks Eisa.

"Zevran, Morrigan, and Oghren," Eisa replies before Riordan can get the full question out.

"Waite, what? Why am I not going?" Alistair demands to know as he crosses his arms.

"Because we need you here," Eisa states with a hint of anger in her tone.

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"If you die on the way to the Archdemon, Ferelden loses her king." Eisa yells at Alistair.

"I don't care! I'm going with you!" He yells back.

"No you are not!"

"Yes I am!"

"May I suggest…"

"No!" Both Eisa and Alistair yell at Riordan.

"You are staying put!" Eisa yells at him while she walks toward the gates. "And you for once in your life, you _will_ take charge!"

"No I'm…" Alistair tries to yell, but Leliana holds him back. "I should be going in there!"

"I know, and so does she." Leliana tells him in a calm peaceful voice.

"Then why is she making me stay here?" he asks while looking at Eisa pass through the gates without him.

"As she said, to protect Ferelden's king."

"She can't do this alone," he says mostly to himself.

"She is not alone."

"What, like the assassin and dwarf are going to watch her back?" Alistair snaps at Leliana.

Now Leliana was getting mad at him as well. "Zevran will watch her back and front if that's what it takes to keep her safe. Because if he does not, I will kill him and he knows it."

"That still doesn't make me feel better," he replies under his breath.

* * *

"So," Zevran starts to ask, "why did you choose to leave Alistair at the gates."

They had made it to Fort Drakon and he _now_ wants to ask this. "Like I said, to keep him safe."

"Right, and I am to believe this?" he asks smugly.

"I really hate you sometimes," Eisa states as a fact.

"Ah, now you are mad at me. Why?"

Eisa stands just inside the castle doors crossing herself, "Because what I need to tell him, it would go over easier if he was mad at me. That is why I did it."

"So, you made him mad on purpose?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"As did you when I first joined, remember?"

"Yes, but if you said you didn't want to talk, I would leave it there," Eisa tells him, moving further toward the beginning of her death.

As Eisa and her companions make their way to the Archdemon, she starts to wonder if this is a good idea. Should she break Alistair's heart by telling him that she cannot stay with him? Was this truly the only way to keep Ferelden from becoming divided again? What would she do after this? Go back home and rebuild?

* * *

Eisa somehow manages to make her way back to her friends at the gate. She is wounded and bleeding profoundly from so many injuries. It is not until she sees Alistair's face that she falls. She collapses from sheer exhaustion. She killed the Archdemon and is now in the arms of her friends. That is all she cared about. Getting back to them. Getting back to him.

"Eisa, time to wake up sweetheart," came Alastair's soft coxing voice.

"Mm. I don't want to. If I open my eyes you may just have been a dream," Eisa says with a smile.

"You don't have a good enough imagination to make me up on your own," Alistair taunts.

"True." Slowly Eisa opens her eyes to realize that she is not in Denerim. She is, somewhere. "Where are we?"

"Back at Redcliff," he tells her while stroking her cheek. "You have been asleep since you came through the gates at Denerim."

"I barely remember that."

"Would you like me to remind you?" Alistair asks while closing the distance from his lips to hers.

"Please."

"Oh good, you're finally awake," came Leliana's voice from the door.

"Damn they found us," Alistair says under his breath, causing Eisa to laugh.

"Leliana, may I have a moment with Alistair before you go and tell everyone?" Eisa pleads while trying to sit up only to require assistance, which Alistair quickly gave.

"Five minutes, I can't promise anything after that."

"Thank you." Eisa tells her friend while they both smile at each other.

Once Leliana left the room and the door closes, "Alistair, we need to talk."

"About what?" he asks. Upon inspection, he realizes, "I'm not going to like this am I? You have a look on your face that tells me I'm not going to like this."

"No, I doubt that you will like what I have to say," Eisa tells him while taking his hand in hers.

Alistair sits down on the bed next to her keeping their hands joined.

"I," Eisa starts then stops. "Do you remember the night I asked you to lay with Morrigan?"

Eisa is looking at his hands as she spoke, not at him. _This is bad._ "It is one night I wish to forget."

"Wynne told me you saw the blood and found me in her bed."

"Yes," Alistair places his spar hand over her cheek to wipe away the falling tears.

Looking up into his eyes, Eisa can no longer find the courage to tell him. "I," is all that came out.

"What is it?" Alistair asks with concern.

Looking back down, not wanting to see the pain on his face when she explained, "I was carrying the greatest gift of all," placing her hand over her stomach. "But,…Maker help me…it was taken."

Alistair is so concerned about the falling tears that he didn't understand what she was saying. After a couple of minutes he realizes what she said. Eisa is pregnant! She is carrying his child! He didn't think it was possible. He feels like a little girl and wants to run up and down the halls screaming and telling everyone about it. But, why was she crying about having his child? _What did she say? She said she _was_ carrying his child. WAS! TAKEN!_ Now he understood and wanted to cry with her. Instead he smiles, "We can always try again."

"No," it was such a harsh word when spoken so flat. "I want you to marry Queen Anora and have heirs with her."

"What!" Alistair shouts while standing up and moving away from her. "You asked me to sleep with Morrigan to save our lives so we could be together and now you tell me to marry Anora! I won't do it! I can't do it. I don't love her, I love you!"

"So you would have the Theirin's line end with you?" Eisa asks in a fit of rage.

"What if our next child is strong and healthy?" Alistair counters.

"What if it isn't? What if it _is_ the taint that causes us to never have a child together? At least with Anora you know it will survive the birthing."

Silence passes between them. Alistair paces the small room as he debates his next words. "What will happen to us? To you?"

"I will always be there when you need me. But for now, I wish to go home and try to repair the damage that Howl has done to my family and home," Eisa says as she watches him continue to pace.

"And what of _your_ line?"

"The Chantry has taken in many children who have lost everything. I will adopt them all and give them my name."

"Giving them _your_ name will _not_ make them Cousland's."

"No it won't," Eisa starts, while looking at the ceiling, "but it will give them something. Who knows, some of them may have the potential to be Grey Wardens when they get older."

"Why don't you find another to _breed_ with?" Alistair put so much venom in his words, it poisons Eisa's soul.

"Because the one man I wish to have children with, is acting like a child at the moment," came a taunt out of nowhere.

Stopping his pacing, Alistair stares at Eisa and her smiling face trying so hard not to get sucked into it. "This is no laughing matter."

"I know. But you do still act like a child, even though you _are_ king."

"I do not!" he states in the firmest tone he can muster.

"Yes you do."

With a huff he starts to pace again.

"I am king right?" Alistair finally asks after pacing up and down about fifty times.

"Last I checked, yes. Why?" This is a new one. He is thinking! It amazes Eisa that he can do such a thing, and without having Andraste's wrath smite them all down.

"I am my father's son, yes?" he asks while still pacing.

"I believe so. Why do you ask?" Suspension is evident in her words.

"I will yet again, do as you ask, but under one condition." Alastair is so serious. This is a side she has not seen before.

Curious where this is going, Eisa asks, "And that would be?"

Alistair stops pacing and walks up to her. Almost toughing his lips to hers, he states as a fact, "That I have one concubine, and _you_ are she."

Eisa is dumb struck. He figured out a way for him to do as she asked and yet still keep her close by. Although going from a Grey Warden to concubine was a huge step back, but they could still be together. "I didn't think you knew such a word, or its meaning."

"I'm full of surprises." Alistair states with a huge grin on his face. "What do you say my dear?"

"Tempting," she teases. "Truly tempting. But, alas, I must agree."

Alistair kisses Eisa so deep and thorough that neither of them hear the coughing and barking that is coming from the door way. Nor does either of them care.


End file.
